First off, please forgive me for the long delay in posts. We’ve just switched from the “training” period of work into the “full workload” portion, so we’ve all been a bit floored recently. It’ll even out, though.

Anyway, during the training period we heard a lot about the differences between Chinese college students and American college students, especially with regards to romantic relationships and sexual knowledge. Like most people, I take anything I hear about “Chinese people” with a grain of salt, but today I had my first university class, and there’s definitely at least some truth to it.

Out of a class of forty people–these are college students, mind you–only one of them had ever dated someone. I asked them to plan out their “dream date”–the date they’d take someone on if they only had one shot at wooing them–as part of an exercise, and a disturbing number of them said they’d take him/her to the library to study together.

I ended up having to improvise a new lesson plan on the fly because I couldn’t get them to talk about dating or anything relating to it. Friendship worked better, that’s what I’ll be doing tomorrow.

Anyway, I know not all Chinese students are like this–Chinese textbooks are full of lessons about the “new ideas” of young people, which include things like living together with one’s significant other before marriage. Everyone tells me they exist, but I’ve yet to really meet anyone here who’s done that, especially not at college age. (The few people I do know in China who’ve done that are all now married to whoever they were living with, too).

So what’s the real truth? I don’t know, but I’ll look into it further.

Also, I have a student in one of my classes whose English name is “Dragon Soldier”. Other notable names included “Delinsa” and “Dvid”. Also a girl who is named “Scarlett” after the Gone with the Wind character.

As previously mentioned, I’ve been having a tough time here so far. Without going too far into why, basically my girlfriend left me (and who can blame her, I moved across the world), and I’ve been having a really hard time dealing with that without the support system of friends I would have in the States. I can’t hang out with friends and talk about it, or call anyone. I’m a huge ocean away from everyone I know and love, among people I don’t know nearly well enough to get into it with.

Anyone who has ever felt that sort of loneliness knows that it can be absolutely crippling. And, to an extent, it has been. I have enough social anxiety issues without being in a new place, surrounded by another culture. It was like I skipped the first two stages of culture shock and skipped right to the part where you hate everything and everyone. The fun part!

Anyway, today I needed to venture out for groceries. Long AIM conversations with the couple friends from the States who are actually still in touch with me had brightened my mood slightly, and I need to eat anyway. As I was walking down the stairs, I ran into an old woman, chatting up another resident who was standing in her doorway. They looked at me–everyone looks at me–so I greeted them and was about to head on my way. Suddenly, I remembered that no one had told us what we were supposed to do with our garbage, so I turned around and asked her.

She was taken aback for a second–many people are when they discover you can speak more Chinese than just “你好” (”hello”)–but answered quickly (apparently, you just leave it outside your door). She asked how long I’d been here, how I had learned Chinese, etc., and then I turned to leave. She paused for a second, then smiled at me and said “Don’t be afraid to ask things, anyone here will help you.” It was a simple thing to say, but I could see in her weathered face that she meant it, and her friend was smiling like she meant it, too.

I thanked her and rolled down the the next four flights of stairs and out onto the street. The Raconteurs’ song “You Don’t Understand Me” was playing in my headphones, and at the same moment I stepped out into the sun, the song exploded its way into the chorus:

And there’s always another point of view,
A better way to do the things we do,
And how can you know me, and I know you?

It was one of those moments when things come together so perfectly that you think maybe there is a god out there. I thought about what that woman said, and the other little kindnesses total strangers have shown me since I got here, and nearly cried. Keep that in mind the next time someone tells you that a little act of kindness doesn’t have an effect on the world. You never know who you might save.

Please forgive the lack of updates. I’m going through some shit. I’ll get back on a regular schedule in a couple days, if I can.

In the interim, here’s a video.

I have long wondered how people who come to Harbin without any Chinese language skills survive. Unlike people in Beijing and Shanghai, few Harbiners speak English and those that do don’t tend to work in restaurants, shops, cabs, etc. So how do Americans who come here without any Chinese get around? How do they eat? How do they buy shampoo? These things are difficult enough for someone who does have the language skills.

Recently, I’ve had the opportunity to talk to a number of people (all men) who moved here to teach with little or no Chinese skill at all, and I found a common theme. It was very difficult at first, they said, but then they got Chinese girlfriends.

Asia has long been a destination for lonely Caucasian men. Standards for attractiveness are different here, and anyone who isn’t Asian seems especially exotic and enticing (to some people, anyway). Likewise, Asian women are often fetishized in the West. There is definitely a perception among some in the States (and elsewhere) that even ugly men can get laid in Asia. And at least to some extent, it’s true–I’ve never met a white guy who was actively searching for a Chinese girlfriend for long without finding one.

Practically, going out with a Chinese girl has two advantages for those who don’t speak Mandarin–your girlfriend becomes a sort of permanent translator/advocate/fixer for you, and she also offers you the opportunity to speak Chinese with her (if you want) and improve your Chinese skills.

I don’t mean to suggest that everyone with Chinese girlfriends is using them for one or both of these purposes, or even that anyone is. I don’t know anyone I spoke to well yet, nor do I know anything about their relationships. With that said, the way these women are discussed is often sort of disconcerting. Their utility seems to come up much more often than their humanity. Maybe I’m just asking the wrong questions, but I hear an awful lot about how helpful they are with language and cultural problems, and almost nothing about any other aspect of the relationship.

I guess my skepticism about the motives of many Caucasian men dating Chinese women comes from my conviction that the cultural differences between China and the West make meaningful relationships difficult–and lord knows relationships are difficult enough even when your significant other is from the same culture. I do not disapprove of cross-cultural dating in general–in fact, I think it can sometimes be useful tool for creating greater cultural understanding–but if you’ve lived in China for 3 months, and you arrived here with no knowledge of the language or culture at all, is it really possible for you to have a meaningful relationship with a Chinese woman (even if she does speak decent English)? Maybe…but part of me doubts that it happens very often.

I would love for someone to prove me wrong, though.