No, it’s not the pollution, or the fact that there are so many people here. My least favorite thing about China is this lingering cultural perception that everything about China is, at some level, ultimately incomprehensible to everyone who isn’t Chinese.

This is manifested at every level, from the extremely superficial to the deeply personal. For example, China-watchers may recall the hubbub over Ang Lee’s recent film Lust, Caution, which some Chinese people claim is impossible for non-Chinese to understand. I haven’t seen the film and I’m sure it does have a lot of cultural references that make it difficult for foreigners to understand, but impossible? Really? (It should be noted that one of the two writers of Lust, Caution was a foreigner).

This phenomenon exists even in perceptions about the language. Chinese people are, by and large, deeply impressed that I can speak decent Chinese and generally shocked when I tell them that I don’t think Chinese is a difficult language to learn (at least, no more difficult than other languages). Yes, Chinese is written with characters, yes, it has tones, yes, it’s a very old language, but why does that mean it’s impossible to learn?

In those more public arenas, I’m not particularly bothered by it, to be honest. It’s fair that Chinese people expect foreigners to be ignorant about their culture; after all, the vast majority of foreigners are. What’s frustrating is when a difference of opinions with a friend who knows you aren’t ignorant still leads to what seems to be everyone’s fallback defense: “You’re a foreigner, so you don’t understand.”

Now, I’m not claiming that I know everything about China, or Chinese culture, because I don’t. But I do know a fair amount; more than the average Chinese people about some things. In my college classes, I’ve straightened out students who were confused about which ancient philosopher wrote what, and what Lu Xun’s original name was (Lu Xun is a pen name). Still, I’m pretty sure it will never be enough. If a difference of opinion runs deep enough, the eventual response I get is always “you just don’t understand.”

This phenomenon is, I think, one part of a larger issue for me: the clear delineation between “foreigner” and “Chinese person” based completely on ethnicity. Although I haven’t lived here half a year yet, among my coworkers there are people who have lived here for years, married Chinese women, had children. In America, those people would be considered American; in China, they will always be Foreign. And, by extension, it seems they will never really understand China.

Personally, I don’t think I understand China as well as Chinese people, not yet. But I believe there are foreigners who do, and there are plenty of aspects of Chinese culture I understand well enough that I should be able to discuss them without getting the old “you don’t understand” in return.

In the interest of clarity, the conversation I’m thinking of was regarding marriage/dating and a friend of mine who is being pressured by her parents to find someone. I’m of the opinion that she’s still young and can afford to wait until she runs into someone she likes. She thinks I don’t understand, but I do; I understand the extreme pressure she feels from her parents, I understand that different marriage customs mean people get married younger here, and that if she waits too long she might not be able to find anyone. I understand that she’s seeing her friends pair up and get married or move away and she feels a lot of pressure to change something. But I also understand her well enough to know that she isn’t one of those girls that can live happily as long as they have a tolerable husband and material comforts. That does work for some women, but it’s not going to work for her. She’s not mature enough for a real relationship either–she’s admitted that herself–and I don’t care what country you live in or what social pressures you face, those factors make it a bad idea to get married. That’s my opinion. Readers who understand Chinese culture better than I feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I feel I completely understand the social situation she’s talking about, I just feel that her own happiness is more important than conforming to social norms, even if it means making her parents angry. I KNOW that Chinese culture has different values regarding obeying your parents, it isn’t that I don’t understand, I just don’t agree.

So it hurts to hear even as close a friend as her brush of my arguments with “you don’t understand.”

That’s why I could never live here forever.