I have long wondered how people who come to Harbin without any Chinese language skills survive. Unlike people in Beijing and Shanghai, few Harbiners speak English and those that do don’t tend to work in restaurants, shops, cabs, etc. So how do Americans who come here without any Chinese get around? How do they eat? How do they buy shampoo? These things are difficult enough for someone who does have the language skills.

Recently, I’ve had the opportunity to talk to a number of people (all men) who moved here to teach with little or no Chinese skill at all, and I found a common theme. It was very difficult at first, they said, but then they got Chinese girlfriends.

Asia has long been a destination for lonely Caucasian men. Standards for attractiveness are different here, and anyone who isn’t Asian seems especially exotic and enticing (to some people, anyway). Likewise, Asian women are often fetishized in the West. There is definitely a perception among some in the States (and elsewhere) that even ugly men can get laid in Asia. And at least to some extent, it’s true–I’ve never met a white guy who was actively searching for a Chinese girlfriend for long without finding one.

Practically, going out with a Chinese girl has two advantages for those who don’t speak Mandarin–your girlfriend becomes a sort of permanent translator/advocate/fixer for you, and she also offers you the opportunity to speak Chinese with her (if you want) and improve your Chinese skills.

I don’t mean to suggest that everyone with Chinese girlfriends is using them for one or both of these purposes, or even that anyone is. I don’t know anyone I spoke to well yet, nor do I know anything about their relationships. With that said, the way these women are discussed is often sort of disconcerting. Their utility seems to come up much more often than their humanity. Maybe I’m just asking the wrong questions, but I hear an awful lot about how helpful they are with language and cultural problems, and almost nothing about any other aspect of the relationship.

I guess my skepticism about the motives of many Caucasian men dating Chinese women comes from my conviction that the cultural differences between China and the West make meaningful relationships difficult–and lord knows relationships are difficult enough even when your significant other is from the same culture. I do not disapprove of cross-cultural dating in general–in fact, I think it can sometimes be useful tool for creating greater cultural understanding–but if you’ve lived in China for 3 months, and you arrived here with no knowledge of the language or culture at all, is it really possible for you to have a meaningful relationship with a Chinese woman (even if she does speak decent English)? Maybe…but part of me doubts that it happens very often.

I would love for someone to prove me wrong, though.